two five and three zero

my two girls are turning the big numbers this weekend and i am surprised, by the lack of birthday fever... not just at their end but also my own. i remember my own 25th two years ago and it was such a big deal.

in any case, i seem to have hit some kind of rut in my regular living. it is a full time job, getting out of bed and then going back in to it. i'm not entirely sure why, but the day is filled with activities, people and things to do... but beginning and ending the day - now that is a struggle.

still, i have realized that i cannot let this negativity rub off on everyone else. it may mean that i now have some kind of eating disorder because my rut is definitely coming out in binge eating. everything.

i ordered R a ridiculous lemon and buttercream cake from buttercup with birthday spelled the way we spell it... let me tell you, i ate that entire piece (see picture)... by myself.

the flowers are a nice touch by M, but it doesn't distract from the humungo piece of cake that is now blocking my arteries. full force.

we watched alice in wonderland and the colors were not as bright as the red i kept seeing inside me. what does this mean? am i one of those people now... with the strange body experience, there has to be a dsm diagnosis for this. F's 30th was no different, she was struggling with her own diagnosis .. her relationship. the boy is 3 years younger but we all know men are really.. well.. a lot younger than women. F said she was expecting an engagement ring by the end of the night. it didn't happen and now she is struggling with whether or not to stay in the relationship. commitment is an interesting place... you want it when you can't have it and when you have it you just don't know what to do with it. i wish things were easier, better and warmer and i wish, so bad, that i didn't like cake so much.